I started a fire today. It was neccessary. The stupid thing was asking for it. For days now, this thing has brought nothing but sorrow and pestilence to our household. It made the strongest of my children shriek with terror when she felt the chilling effects of this unwanted beast.
My patient wife spent the days biding her time, waiting for me to burn the monster that was terrorizing our family. Today was finally the day.
I armed myself and made it cautiously into the attic. I could feel its presence. I flipped on the light. I slowly turned my head and it was right there in my face breathing a foul stench right on my face. I remained calm, as I knew it couldn’t do anything to me unless directly provoked.
I leaned closer toward it, the smell growing stronger. I readied my torch and slowly made my way around the menace. While in its blind spot, I leaned in and thrust my torch into it’s belly. Nothing. I missed the sweet spot. I regrouped, wiped the sweat from my forehead, took a deep breath of sweltering air, held it and this time slowly advanced my weapon. FWOOOSH! Gotcha. The beast knew I was there now, and I had only seconds to get out before I was burned along with it.
I clumsily sealed the opening I had made, put out my torch, rose to my feet, and…silence. There was one more thing to be done, to assure the beasts demise. I needed to increase the size of the small flame I had just started. I reached down to the foot of the monster and turned the dial. KA-FWOOOOM! This noise and the new light shining in the attic was proof enough that my job was done.
There were shouts of joy and praise in the house upon my return. Never before had they seen such an act of heroism or bravery.
I re-lit the water heater.